69 Funny Southern Quotes to Bless Your Heart
Imagine sitting on a wrap-around porch, condensation dripping off a glass of sweet tea, listening to your grandmother hold court. The air is thick with humidity, but the conversation is sharper than a tack. If you are missing those roots or just need a laugh that feels like home, these funny Southern quotes will warm your spirit and have you grinning like a possum eating a sweet potato.
We have gathered a collection of 69 handpicked gems, categorized by life’s most hilarious moments-from spotting liars to surviving the heat. But since this is about more than just giggles, we’ve paired these salty sayings with a little sugar: spiritual reflections to lift your day. Let’s get into the wit, wisdom, and wild expressions of the South.
Calling Out Liars and Fools
Southerners rarely call someone a liar directly. That would be rude. Instead, we paint a vivid picture of their dishonesty that leaves everyone in earshot nodding in agreement. When you encounter someone playing fast and loose with the truth, these funny Southern quotes capture the frustration perfectly.
Prayer Pairing: Lord, give us the discernment to see the truth, even when it’s hidden behind a smooth talker’s smile.
- “Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!”
- “If his lips are movin’, he’s lyin’.”
- “That dog won’t hunt.”
- “You’re lyin’ like a no-legged dog!”
- “That man is talking with his tongue out of his shoe.”
- “He’s as windy as a sack full of farts.”
- “You’d call an alligator a lizard just to minimize the danger.”
- “He’s slicker than snot on a doorknob.”
- “He could talk a cat off a fish wagon.”
- “She speaks the truth, but she speaks it slant.”
- “He’s blowing smoke up your skirt.”
- “Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining.”
Weather Woes and Wild Heat
Talking about the weather isn’t small talk in the South; it is a survival mechanism. Whether you are melting in August or shivering during a rare frost, the right expression makes the misery bearable. You might even funny quotes make him smile when the AC breaks and the house feels like an oven.
Prayer Pairing: Father, thank You for the seasons, even the ones that test our patience and our deodorant.
- “It’s hotter than two rabbits screwin’ in a wool sock!”
- “It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.”
- “Colder than a banker’s heart on foreclosure day.”
- “It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”
- “It’s cold enough to freeze the tit off a frog.”
- “It is hotter than a jalapeño’s coochie.”
- “Colder than a well digger’s backside.”
- “It’s colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra.”
- “Hotter than a fox in a forest fire.”
- “Shakin’ like a dog passing chicken bones.”
- “It’s so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.”
- “It’s raining like a cow peeing on a flat rock.”
- “Sweating like a sinner in church.”
- “Hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk.”
- “The humidity is so high, I’m growing gills.”
Useless as a Screen Door on a Submarine
We have a special way of describing incompetence or laziness that is both insulting and poetic. These sayings fit perfectly when things just aren’t working right. The delivery often sounds like the 65 best movie quotes funny characters might say in a comedy about small-town life.
Prayer Pairing: God, help us find purpose in our work and grace for those who are still finding their way.
- “He’s about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
- “That sticks in your throat like a hair in a biscuit.”
- “You’re so full of it your eyes are brown.”
- “He was as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs.”
- “He couldn’t carry a tune if he had a bucket with a lid on it.”
- “Well, slap my head and call me silly.”
- “That really dills my pickle.”
- “That jars my preserves.”
- “That really creams my corn.”
- “I’m gonna jerk a knot in your tail.”
- “You better give your heart to Jesus, ’cause your butt is mine.”
- “I’m gonna tan your hide.”
- “He makes my butt itch.”
- “She could make a preacher cuss.”
Southern Sass and Stupidity
There is a fine line between brave and foolish, and Southern idioms walk that line daily. If you enjoy the retro humor found in a funny 80s movie quotes collection, you will appreciate the timeless sass found here.
Dumb as Dirt
- “If that boy had an idea, it would die of loneliness.”
- “The porch light’s on, but nobody’s home.”
- “He’s only got one oar in the water.”
- “He’s so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.”
- “He hasn’t got the sense God gave a goose.”
- “His brain rattles around like a BB in a boxcar.”
- “If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose.”
- “Ain’t got the good sense God gave a rock.”
Pure Sass
- “He looks like ten miles of bad road.”
- “If he were an inch taller, he’d be round.”
- “Why so sad? Did Chevrolet stop makin’ trucks?”
- “Deep in the South where sushi is still called bait.”
- “As easy as sliding off a greasy log backward.”
Mama’s Wisdom and Warnings
Finally, we arrive at the matriarchs. Mama didn’t just give advice; she issued decrees. These funny Southern quotes often come with a finger wag, but they are rooted in love (and a desire for peace and quiet).
Prayer Pairing: Lord, bless our mothers and the wisdom they pour into us, even when it comes with a warning label.
- “Barking up the wrong tree.”
- “Fish or cut bait.”
- “Don’t fly off the handle.”
- “Grandma goes to bed with the chickens.”
- “Let’s go whole hog.”
- “He’s as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.”
- “I haven’t seen you in a coon’s age.”
- “Scarce as hen’s teeth.”
- “He’s too big for his britches.”
- “Well, hush my mouth.”
- “They live down yonder.”
- “Bless your pea-pickin’ heart!”
- “Quit being ugly.”
- “He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.”
- “I’m full as a tick.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What is the absolute most popular Southern saying?
A: “Bless your heart” takes the crown. It is the Swiss Army knife of Southern dialects. Depending on the tone, it can mean genuine sympathy (“I’m so sorry for your loss”) or a polite insult implying you are not very bright (“You actually tried to fix that yourself? Bless your heart.”).
Q: Are these funny Southern quotes considered rude?
A: Context is everything. Most of these are used in jest among friends and family. However, saying someone is “useful as a screen door on a submarine” to their face during a job interview might not go over well. They are colorful exaggerations, not usually meant to cause deep harm.
Q: What does “fixin’ to” actually mean?
A: It indicates immediate future intent. If you are “fixin’ to” go to the store, it means you are preparing to leave very soon. It is a state of preparation that precedes the action.
Q: Can I use these sayings if I’m not from the South?
A: You sure can, but be prepared for some confused looks if you don’t get the drawl right. Using funny Southern quotes is a great way to add character to your storytelling, regardless of where you were born.
These funny Southern quotes are more than just punchlines; they are a testament to a culture that values resilience, storytelling, and finding humor in the hard times. Whether you are dealing with a liar, a heatwave, or just a bad day, there is likely a phrase from down South that fits the bill.
May your tea be sweet, your AC be cold, and your heart be blessed. If you loved these, share them with someone who needs a smile today!