73 Motivational Quit Smoking Quotes Funny & Witty
Ever caught yourself staring at a cigarette pack like it’s a toxic ex-lover-irresistible, dangerous, and costing you way too much money? You aren’t alone in this smoky love-hate relationship. Quitting is arguably one of the hardest things a human can do. It tests your patience, your waistline, and the sanity of everyone around you.
But here is the secret weapon most clinical advice overlooks: laughter.
When cravings hit like a freight train, sometimes a deep breath isn’t enough. You need a punchline. This collection of motivational quit smoking quotes funny enough to distract you from the urge is designed to do just that. We have curated a mix of celebrity wit, sarcastic one-liners, and cynical truths to help you laugh your way through withdrawal.
And because we believe in a little spiritual backup, we’ve paired the best ones with “micro-prayers”-short, punchy wishes to send up when you are about to snap.
Top 10 Funny Motivational Quit Smoking Quotes to Start Today
Let’s kick things off with the heavy hitters. These are the classics-the sharpest wit to remind you that while the struggle is real, the absurdity of smoking is even realer.
1. “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.” – Mark Twain
Prayer: Lord, let this attempt be the series finale, not just another sequel. Amen.
2. “Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can’t find your fags.” – Unknown
Prayer: God, grant me the blindness to temptation and the vision to see a smoke-free future.
3. “I DON’T smoke anymore, except on National No Smoking Day as a protest against those who want to control our lives.” – Richard Littlejohn
Prayer: Heavenly Father, help me find better ways to rebel than destroying my own lungs.
4. “People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them… well it’s killing me!” – George Burns
Prayer: Lord, give me the grace to care about my life as much as strangers care about their airspace.
5. “If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.” – Mark Twain
Prayer: God, help me realize that creating a little slice of heaven on earth starts with fresh air.
6. “Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.” – Unknown
Prayer: Father, slow me down in all things so I can enjoy the moment without needing a chemical chaser.
7. “I used to smoke two packs a day and I just hate being a nonsmoker… but I will never consider myself a nonsmoker because I always find smokers the most interesting people at the table.” – Martha Raye
Prayer: God, let me be the interesting person at the table because of my personality, not my pollution.
8. “I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.” – George Burns
Prayer: Lord, help me find balance-let me keep my sanity while I save my lungs.
9. “To smoke or not to smoke: I can make of either a life-work.” – Michel de Montaigne
Prayer: Creator, help me choose the life-work that doesn’t involve an oxygen tank.
10. “The believing we do something when we do nothing is the first illusion of tobacco.” – Voltaire
Prayer: God, shatter the illusion. Remind me that holding a stick of fire isn’t the same as holding it together.
Hilarious Quotes on Quitting Fails and Relapses
If you have slipped up, don’t beat yourself up. Shame is a terrible motivator, but humor is a fantastic one. If you are struggling with the cycle of stopping and starting, check out our collection of funny sobriety quotes for more laughs on the road to recovery. In the meantime, relate to these.
11. “Trying to quit: my willpower took a smoke break.” – Hello Swanky
12. “I tried to stop smoking cigarettes by telling myself I just didn’t want to smoke, but I didn’t believe myself.” – Barbara Kay
13. “If quitting is winning, I’m a smoke-fueled champion at losing.” – Hello Swanky
14. “My willpower is currently out of office. Please try again later.” – Unknown
15. “I light up my worries, but somehow they all smoke back.” – Hello Swanky
16. “Quitters never win, but in this case, winners never quit breathing.” – Unknown
17. “I’m not really a heavy smoker anymore. I only get through two lighters a day now.” – Bill Hicks
18. “I quit smoking. I just haven’t told my cigarettes yet.” – Unknown
19. “My favorite exercise is running out of cigarettes.” – Unknown
20. “Withdrawal symptoms are just your body throwing a temper tantrum. Ignore the toddler.” – Unknown
21. “I’m on the ‘stop smoking’ diet. I eat every time I want to smoke. I am now the size of a Buick.” – Unknown
(If this hits too close to home, take a detour to our motivational weight loss quotes to tackle that next hurdle!)
22. “Relapse is just a research phase for your eventual success story.” – Unknown
23. “I stopped smoking. It was the most terrifying 15 minutes of my life.” – Unknown
24. “Every time I quit, I become a better person. Usually a very angry, better person.” – Unknown
25. “If my wit smoked, it’d leave more ashes than my habit.” – Hello Swanky
Punny Takes on Cigarette Loyalty and Bad Habits
Sometimes you have to personify the habit to break it. Treat your addiction like that annoying friend who overstays their welcome. If you enjoy poking fun at vices, you might also like our 35 sober quotes funny list for a broader look at kicking habits.
26. “Cigarettes support me; if I stand still, I fall asleep.” – Hello Swanky
27. “My lungs asked for air; I gave them a smoky accent.” – Hello Swanky
28. “A cigar has a fire at one end and a fool at the other.” – Horace Greeley
29. “Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.” – Groucho Marx
30. “I don’t chase smoke rings, they chase my health insurance.” – Hello Swanky
31. “Smoking: when your mouth wants a chimney job.” – Hello Swanky
32. “Smoking is my excuse for mysterious late-night driveway walks.” – Hello Swanky
33. “Cigarettes and coffee: an alcoholic’s best friend!” – Unknown
34. “I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.” – Mark Twain
35. “More than one cigar at a time is excessive smoking.” – Thomas Marshall
36. “Smoking helps you lose weight-one lung at a time.” – Alfred E. Neuman
37. “I kiss better than I smoke. Let’s focus on that.” – Unknown
38. “My cigarette is the only thing that listens to me burn.” – Unknown
39. “Friends don’t let friends smoke… unless they are also stressed out.” – Unknown
40. “I’m not addicted to smoking. I’m addicted to not murdering people.” – Unknown
Health Humor and Stats Satire to Fuel Your Fire
Doctors use fear; we prefer satire. These motivational quit smoking quotes funny style turn the terrifying statistics into manageable, laughable truths.
41. “Smoking is one of the leading causes of all statistics.” – Unknown
42. “He who doth not smoke hath either known no great griefs, or refuseth himself the softest consolation.” – Edward George Bulwer-Lytton
43. “Much smoking kills live men and cures dead swine.” – George D. Prentice
44. “For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.” – Jay Leno
45. “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” – Brooke Shields
46. “No cloud of smoke is worth the sunlight of your future.” – Hello Swanky
47. “Your reasons to quit will one day outnumber your excuses to stay.” – Hello Swanky
48. “Breathe in new beginnings; exhale the habits that held you back.” – Hello Swanky
49. “Courage isn’t found in a lighter, but in letting it go.” – Hello Swanky
50. “Warning: Quitting smoking may cause a severe increase in disposable income.” – Unknown
51. “Lungs: The only airbags you can’t replace.” – Unknown
52. “Don’t be a butthead. Put it out.” – Unknown
Victory Laughs and Fresh Starts
When you finally get some traction, celebrate it. Even if you are only three hours in, you are winning.
53. “The first cigarette refused is the last one you’ll ever need.” – Hello Swanky
54. “No patch or gum compares to believing in your own resilience.” – Hello Swanky
55. “The habit you break today breaks limits you never knew you had.” – Hello Swanky
56. “Your story gets rewritten every day you choose breath over smoke.” – Hello Swanky
57. “Today’s choice to quit is tomorrow’s reward in every heartbeat.” – Hello Swanky
58. “Each time you resist, you reclaim a piece of yourself anew.” – Hello Swanky
59. “Your fresh start grows brighter with every cigarette unlit.” – Hello Swanky
60. “Breaking free from smoke is a gift to your tomorrow.” – Hello Swanky
61. “Small victories over cravings shape a much larger freedom.” – Hello Swanky
62. “Your recovery is stronger than the haze that once defined you.” – Hello Swanky
63. “Old habits lose power in the light of your determination.” – Hello Swanky
64. “You’re not just quitting; you’re beginning to breathe for you.” – Hello Swanky
65. “I smoke to practice breathing exercises with a plot twist.” – Hello Swanky
66. “With pen and cigarette, he edits the silence between heartbeats.” – Hello Swanky
67. “Congratulations on quitting! You now smell like soap instead of an ashtray.” – Unknown
Sarcastic Wins, Patch Jokes, and Beyond
Rounding out our list are the sarcastic jabs that help you grid your teeth and get through the final cravings.
68. “Choose breath over death.” – Punspoo
69. “Smoking kills quietly. Be loud and quit.” – Punspoo
70. “One cigarette, many regrets. Zero cigarettes, zero regrets.” – Punspoo
71. “Smoking kills. Quitting saves. Math is simple.” – Punspoo
72. “I’m not a quitter. I’m a perpetual starter of a smoke-free life.” – Unknown
73. “My new hobby is breathing. It’s highly addictive.” – Unknown
How Funny Quotes Build Willpower (With Real Tips)
You might wonder, can reading a funny one-liner actually help me stop smoking? The answer lies in your brain chemistry. When you smoke, you release dopamine. When you laugh, you also release dopamine.
By swapping the chemical hit of nicotine for the chemical hit of laughter, you are essentially tricking your brain into feeling good without the toxins. Here is how to use these motivational quit smoking quotes funny lists effectively:
- Pattern Interrupt: When a craving hits, force yourself to read three of these quotes. It breaks the “loop” of the craving.
- Social Accountability: Post a funny quote on your social media. It alerts your friends that you are quitting, but does it in a way that isn’t heavy or dramatic.
- The Prayer Pivot: Use the micro-prayers we included. Turning a moment of weakness into a moment of spiritual connection can ground you instantly.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What is the best funny quote to stop smoking?
A: Mark Twain’s classic, “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times,” is widely considered the best because it perfectly captures the irony and struggle of relapse in a relatable way.
Q: Can funny quotes actually help with withdrawal symptoms?
A: Yes, laughter reduces stress hormones (cortisol) and releases endorphins. Since withdrawal causes high stress and irritability, humor acts as a natural counter-balance, helping you ride out the craving wave with less anxiety.
Q: How can I use these quotes to help a friend quit?
A: Send them a funny quote during their “witching hour” (the time of day they usually smoke). It serves as a gentle, non-judgmental reminder that you support them, without sounding like you are nagging them about their health.
Q: Are there spiritual ways to handle smoking cravings?
A: Absolutely. Pairing a short prayer with your desire to smoke shifts the focus from “I want this” to “God, help me through this.” It turns a physical craving into a spiritual practice of reliance on higher strength.
Quitting is a journey, and honestly, sometimes it’s a miserable one. But it doesn’t have to be boring. These motivational quit smoking quotes funny lists remind us that we are human, we make mistakes, but we are also capable of incredible change.
Every time you choose to laugh instead of light up, you are winning. Take these quotes, share them, pray them, and let the humor carry you toward that fresh-air freedom. You’ve got this-and God’s got you.